How To Avoid Turning Your Man Cave Into A Lady Repeller – A Parody

The year is 2019 and somehow, I’m sitting here writing the introduction to a blog post about a topic I really can’t believe I’m having to even discuss in this day and age of the empowered woman. If you follow me on Instagram, you’ll see I had a mini-vent about an article I read on The Daily Mail about an ‘interior therapist – a professional, who, as a woman, provided her advice and inputs to an article in The Daily Mail slating single women for their decor choices, because they may be ‘repelling’ men.

Needless to say, it got my goat. Women’s magazines have been subliminally telling us we’re not good enough for generations, and that men won’t be attracted to us unless we’re slim, conventionally attactive, dress a certain way, etc. You can read all about my thoughts on that in this post here. And now, when we’re finally starting to fight against that with feminism and the body positivity and neutrality movements, they can’t seem to find anything worthwhile to drag us down for, so they turn to our lifestyle choices and the items we choose to surround ourselves with in our own homes, to make us feel bad about ourselves and feel like something we’re doing may be making us unworthy of love.

NOTE: All the images for this article were sourced after the text was written, and from Vice.com. Vice’s article features images of the homes of REAL single men around the world. Read the original piece on Vice.com here

It absolutely shocks me that we are to take advice from a woman who knows so little about men, that she actually thinks that the men of 2019 go round to women’s houses and think “That cactus looks unwelcoming. Forget sex, I’m outta here!”. MOST men don’t even notice a woman’s decor choices, and the ones who do wouldn’t be repulsed by them. If he is, there are definitely deeper issues going on there and it might be time for a little Thank U Next therapy.

The fact of the matter is, you could charter a private jet to fly in in the world’s most expensive Feng Shui specialist from Beijing and hire the Queen’s personal decorator, but if somebody isn’t right for you, they just aren’t right for you and it has NOTHING to do with you or your decor choices. Ladies, you’ve worked hard for your homes, you have a right to surround yourself with the things that make you happy. Not that you needed reminding of that, but The Daily Mail sure does.

I got chatting to one of my followers, Laura, 34, a marketing manager from Wiltshire, in my DMs following my little rant, and she suggested that us women should even the score by writing a parody on The Daily Mail article, aimed at men. Not because we want to pit the sexes against one another or believe men deserve to read it or that we’d be fickle enough to be put off a man because of his decor choices. But only because if The Daily Mail thinks its okay to spin this kind of garbage journlaism and aim it at women, then surely in the interest of equality,  it should be ok for a similar sort of article to be directed at men, too? Unlike the aforementioned ‘interior therapist’, we actully know men well enough to know they won’t be offended, will get our humour and hopefully have our backs on this.

So without further ado, I present to you my lovely follower, Laura Varley, who has very eloquently written ‘How To Avoid Turning Your Man Cave Into a Lady Repeller’, a parody of The Daily Mail Article (we suggest reading the original article first, for context).

 

HOW TO AVOID TURNING YOUR MAN CAVE INTO A LADY-REPELLER

Average woman reveals the items in your abode that make women not want to sleep with you 

“There are 51 porn magazines in your home,” average woman Laura informs me. “They all contain scantily clad women. But they’re all not going to sleep with you, and neither are the women entering your flat.”

Oh Christ, I look around my living room. There are four large posters from old Nuts magazines hanging (barely) by some old blue tack, a print of my favourite Tarantino movie plus a huge charity shop beach towel emblazoned with a woman’s breasts adorning my walls. Not to mention shot glasses, a bong and some dubious looking food containers stashed on the shelf. I love images of women, I love women in general, but I never thought that my home decor might turn women off.

Clearly I need an intervention. And Laura, 34, is the woman to help. “When I’ve finished tidying up your sh*t, this will be flat that a woman will actually want to spend time in, with you,” she promises.

Work deadlines mean I have awful life/work balance. My house is full of unreturned library books and newspapers and DVDs I never have time to watch. My Netflix subscription goes unused!

There are a pile of underpants on the bathroom floor. I don’t cook, my kitchen is full of takeaway menus and the empty carcasses of microwave meals.

So what I can do to make my home more female-friendly? Laura says the trick is to pick up your sh*t and do the washing up more than every three days.

She wanders around my flat finding things that displease her. She doesn’t like my Lego Star Wars figurine (‘too juvenile’) or the fridge magnets from my various lads holidays and advises me not to leave clothes all over the floor – a ‘floordrobe’ is not an appropriate storage method for attracting a mate.

She practises tough love and is not amused when I show her my Buddy Christ nodding figurine.

“Get it out of the house,” she hisses. “Straight in the bin. Not even to a charity shop. You do not want to give that to anyone else.”

Next up, my bedroom: ‘The bedroom isn’t a good place for an Xbox or any games console for that matter. “Bedrooms should be about sleep and sex,” she says. She also recommends changing the bed sheets more than once a month(!)

“We need to make this room a boudoir to welcome a woman into. A space where she feels comfortable and confident. And not in competition with a games console.”

Laura is not surprised I have broken sleep.

“You need to take down the level of stimulus. There’s stuff everywhere so your brain is never allowed to switch off.”

In the bathroom she grimaces as I show her the selection of five products I use everyday: a 3 year old pot of Dax wax, Clearasil face wash, a bar of Imperial Leather soap (thanks Nan),  a rolled up tube of toothpaste, and a can of Lynx Africa. She puts them all away in the cupboard. “No one needs to see these,” she says, “or that!” as she slams down the toilet seat. “Maybe invest in a toilet brush, and some air freshener for the sake of your lady visitors.”

She tells me the secret to finding love is to make room in your life for the partner you want, and a tidy flat can’t hurt either.”

She wants to see more ‘homely’ things in my house — some nice photo frames, candles, and cushions – “Girls LOVE cushions. Once you clear your stuff and tweak things slightly, you become a more viable dating prospect,” she promises. “Women will be drawn to you.”

I’m thrilled to imagine this new ‘woman-magnet’ me. I just hope she doesn’t notice me sneaking a few lads mags back into the living room, too.

 

A huge thanks to Laura for taking the time to write this piece and share it with us. We’d love to hear what you think of this piece and what your thoughts are on the original article by The Daily Mail. Tell us in the comments below or on social media – I’m @MascaraEverSat on Twitter@MascaraEverySaturday on Instagram and Laura is @purplemunkee on Instagram.

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ABOUT

Anushka Moore is an almost-thirty-something blogger who moved across the world when the love she met on Tinder put a ring on it. She now lives in Manchester with her husband and her two little Poodle-cross fur children.

Her day job includes running her own social media content company and is the founder of popular Instagram account, Midsize Collective.

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